Letter From Beyond The Veil

Dear Friends,

I regret to say that I write this letter from somewhere that is unfathomable for you, you who are still mere mortals and clinging to the threads of life. I have ascended beyond.

But, here now, what am I saying? I am not here to promote more strife, but merely to clear up some misunderstandings. Recently, a series of books have been published by one J.K. Rowling detailing the exploits of a young boy by the name of Harry Potter. I will not accuse her of libel--since I am dead, your legal system does not apply to me--but I will insinuate it.

Ms. Rowling took some extreme literary license with the facts. Although I do admit that I did commit some--okay, most--of the actions she attributed to me, I believe everything was misconstrued.

First of all, I would like to make clear that my position on blood purity was nothing more than a whim--you may have noticed all the (true) rumors of me being a half-blood. I ask you, would it make sense if I only approved of pure -bloods? I'd have to kill myself! Seven times! No, to me, pure-bloods were more like a collectible, much like Professor Horace Slughorn's vautned "Slug Club." Pure-bloods are much easier to collect than any other Wizarding group; after all, they take so much stock in blood purity that they practically complete my set for me! The Averys, the Malfoys, the Parkinsons...easy as stealing the Philosopher's Stone from Hogwarts!

Well, if it weren't for that blasted Lily Evans, bestowing that stupid ancient blood magic.

Anyway, I wasn't a psychotic madman, only a misunderstood collector. And now, to address the second issue: Muggle massacres.

Now, this is hardly an objective term. Massacres imply something horrifying and monstrous. But, if you take only a moment to think, my actions are no different than those of others. For example, do Muggles not hunt deer? Do wizards not hunt nogtails? And the answer is, by the way, yes. Similarly, I went hunting for Muggles. It was merely sport.

And, of course, in light of seven whole books of "evidence" against me, I realize that my supposed "crimes" will probably never be absolved. That's okay--I didn't do what I did to be accepted. What you must understand is the true nature of a Dark Lord.

A Dark Lord does not exist to spread what those propagandists call "evil" and "darkness;" no we exist for a far nobler purpose. Dark Lords exist to establish an institution, something that will last far longer than themselves. Grindelwald helped to cement the legends of the Deathly Hallows, Morgana le Fay left the downfall of Camelot, most miraculous kingdom of all time. And I?

I leave the question of life and death. What is life? What is death? Is a fragmented soul truly alive? Is it truly dead? Should death be fearsome or, as the esteemed Albus Dumbledore put it, merely the "next great adventure?"

I know it will be hard for you, but please for the sake of justice, read the stories with an open mind, unfettered by prejudices.

Thank you.

With great love,
Tom "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" Marvolo "You-Know-Who" Voldemort "The Dark Lord" Riddle

I Object! Promoting truth in comics

First, the comic in question:
http://xkcd.com/380/
By the esteemed Randall Munroe.

Basically, the untruth is simple. Munroe's comic indicates that a basilisk's eyes have the ability to kill through computer screens. However, as we learned in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, a basilisk's stare cannot, repeat--cannot, kill through some other medium, such as a ghost or a camera. What does this mean?

It means that, even with the basilisk emoticon, it would be conveyed through the computer screen and CANNOT KILL SOMEBODY. It can only petrify.

Thank you.

Saving The World For Dummies

Pretty sweet, right? But how, you may ask, is this possible? How can everyone save the world? Well, this here guide will tell you how. It's actually very easy. It takes just THREE (3) easy steps. Well, there is that optional extra .1415....of a step, but that's optional.

Now, step one: Get some Pocky. That's right. How can you hope to save the world on an empty stomach? How can you have the motivation to save the world when you don't know what exactly it is you're trying to save? Therefore, eating pocky deserves a whole step to itself. You will be inspired to save Pocky, and therefore the Pocky box, and therefore the creators of Pocky and the box and then, by relation, their relations, etc etc. You get the idea. First Big Idea: Eat Pocky. Save the world.

Step two: Get some Boba. That's Bubble Tea. After munching on all that Pocky, you may find yourself thirsty. Well, bubble tea is just the thing to slake your thirst. The chewy bubbles combined with the delectable liquid makes for the perfect after-Pocky drink. This may also add to your inspiration and motivation

Okay, now here is the optional step: While you do the first two, you may choose to also relax with a bottle of Fiji water and a DVD of the Princess Bride and/or High School Musical. Three in one package! How can you not want to save the world that brought to light such amazing things? But this is optional because the bubble tea and Pocky should have already maxed you out on the inspiration meter.

Now, the final step: Actually saving the world. This is broken up into several steps.
(a) Recycle the cardboard of the Pocky container. And while you're at it, recycle all other paperish recyclables too! Save trees, save energy, just...save. What was that you learned in elementary school? Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. So do it.

(b) Recycle your Boba and/or Fiji water containers. If you can. Every little helps! And watch your movies in the dark to save electricity.

(c) When you run a search, use Blackle.com. This is essentially Google, but on a black screen. Fewer lit pixels = watt hours saved!

(d) Keep recycling. It's not that hard. Keep a recycling bin around at home, and put it out on recycling days! Maybe 10 minutes of your time would be diverted, and you have bought more time for our planet!

(e) Bring your own reusable cloth bag when you go shopping when you can. Unless you have massive loads to buy, at which point you might find it impractical. But if you have to use paper/plastic bags, reuse them later for other things!

(f) When not in a room, turn the light off!

(g) In short, be conscious of how much energy you waste. That's right, a lot of the time you don't even need a lot of the things you think you do. A little care on your part will make you a part of SAVING THE WORLD

Well, you can call me a tree-hugging eco-terrorist, but you'd be wrong. I am just an average citizen who wants to save the world. And YOU can too! Of course, I have only listed obvious and easy things to do. If you're interested in making a difference, use Blackle.com to search for more ways to help preserve our environment. Let's not screw up the planet more than it already is.

And after you're done with saving the world (all in a day's work!), you may recline on your futon--or wherever it is on which you wish to recline--and munch pocky, drink bubble tea, and watch a marathon of your favorite Disney movies + the Princess Bride. While reading Harry Potter! What more could you ask for?