Occam's Super Deluxe Mega-Razor Special Rainbow Edition, Version 2.37, Patch 3.1

With the Ultra-Unicorn add-on. This is the one that I use.

What I Learned From Tron: Legacy

I learned that this is the only genetically flawless woman:

And that there are no genetically flawless men.

Also, I learned that Star Wars happens in space, and in computers.

Solitaire

Some of you don't believe that I am a deity of card games. Some of you claim that a 4 moonshot win is better than a 1 moonshot win. Some of you claim that boredom trumps natural, unadulterated, innate, incontrovertible talent. Well, I have something to say to some of you. Over. Nine. Thousand. That's right: on the first game, over 9000 points. What else can I say? Bring it. Game on.

Hearts

Possibly one of my greatest life achievements--a win in hearts via moonshot. Neil Armstrong got nothing on this.

Playing Volleyball

Choose Compassion! And Fairness! And Equality! And un-Hypocrisy-ness!

I saw this ad about choosing vegetarianism the other day (well, actually, like 15 minutes ago) and thought that it really was lacking something. Maybe it's just me, but I thought the message was ambiguous. I felt like it was accusing us of being omnivores and was pointing out the hypocrisy of eating one but not the other. Personally, I don't approve of eating kittens, but I also don't want to be a hypocrite. This group just put me in a moral dilemma. The top ad is the original, but I think the bottom two remove all hypocrisy and ambiguity. Either eat'em all or not at all. That even rhymes!

What Would Steve Jobs Do?

IKEA and iKea

Inspiration

We take inspiration from different places, such as quotes or leaders or lyrics of the Pokemon song. Sometimes, they come from unlikely sources. Such is the case of the Entrance and Creation of the White Ranger. Truly, he is a knight of justice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hHMmtgaORo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f72vPFI9c8

Who's tough?

You know how there's a saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going"? Well, I was thinking about that, and how it's such a symbol for perseverance and determination and fortitude. How, if life gets you down, you stick it out and make things better.

But I realized: that's all a lie. That's not what the saying means at all. A close examination reveals that my previous belief was based all on a falsehood. I looked carefully at the wording and realized that "when the going gets tough, the tough get going." As in, they go. As in, they GTFO because some crazy shit's about to go down.

So, in fact, when things are tough, the tough people leave. Just, skedaddle, and try to tough it out somewhere new, or in some new area. Because they are not afraid to pioneer, to explore new frontiers. They are not bound by these un-tough sentimental feelings of "hey maybe I could salvage something from here." No, these BAMFs know that they can make it anywhere, and so they get going.

Speaking of tough guys, but on a completely unrelated train of thought, have you ever thought of Cyclops's optic lasers? When he shoots them, do they join together to form one giant laser of justice or do they remain separate? I think the animation always shows them as a conjoined laser beam. I know that he wears the mono-lens slitted goggles, but I feel like even when he has them off, the beams join together. Any thoughts?

How tired are you?

Over the weekend, while being tired as shit on a bus ride back from NYC, I had an epiphany, I had an epiphany of epiphanic proportions. Yeah, it was that epiphanous.

I've always thought that the phrase "tired as shit" was just slang for "extremely tired." Not once did I think it had actual implications or metaphoric value. But if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

Shit actually has a long journey to make before it becomes what it is and ends that journey. If its journey ever ends. Beginning as various seeds from all over the world, harvested by people or ingested by animals which are then harvested by people, it then gets processed and cooked (or not cooked, if you're an animal) before being sent into the digestive system. First, its precursors--the very basis for its existence--is masticated in an oral cavity, before being laboriously squeezed down a narrow, muscular tube. It then must be subjected to gastric acids, before being sent down into the intestines from which it emerges in all its glory.

Imagine that in human terms. To be as tired as shit, you'd have to travel across the continent, get beat up by some punching machines, get roasted over an open fire, run around dodging boulders, get tied up with giant elastic ropes and escape from them, take a swim in acid, then take a tube slide down to the end, where you get dunked into a dunk tank leading to rapids and then a waterfall. Finally, after you hit the bottom of the waterfall, you are tired as shit.

So how tired was I on that bus ride? Well, I'd have to say, now, I was as tired as a desert hare. A desert hare runs around in the sun all day, jumps a lot, sweats a lot and also tries to drink as much water as it can. And also eats lots of dumplings.

First Come, First Served

I do some of my best thinking in the shower.

Laugh if you must, but that is a fact. In the shower, you are alone with yourself. You have nothing to do--except think.

So, recently, while in my heavy thinking mode, I revisited an old quandary: which came first, the chicken or the egg?

This is not, strictly speaking, a very good question. Does it matter which came first? Does knowing the answer serve any purpose? Not really. The answer wouldn't reveal a deeper understanding of human history, nor would it give insight into ancient civilizations' dietary habits. Additionally, regardless of which existed first, the other would have came into existence shortly after. Therefore, the better question is:

Which was eaten first--the chicken or the egg? Now here is a question more suitable for wasting time on. By figuring out which was the first to be consumed, we can deduce the order of the following:
--the invention of the "cooking spit"
--the invention of boiled water
--the formation of PETA

A worthy endeavor for any individual seeking a challenge.

As the one to pose the question, I shall now attempt to answer it. Technically, neither the chicken nor the egg need fire to be prepared, the eating of eggs and chickens could have preceded the invention of fire. However, since eating either raw could lead to severe food poisoning and/or death. So, I have deduced that both entered the menu after the invention of fire.

To cook a chicken, all you need is a stick and a fire. Stick the stick through the chicken like a spit, and then roast it. Easy, and delicious. A fairly primitive group of people could do something like that. This might lead one to believe that, given the simplistic nature of chicken cooking, eating chicken came before eating eggs.

But consider also! Boiled water back then was pretty much essential to survival. Who knows what kind of vicious bacteria lived in streams. So, being necessary to staying alive, would it not be inconcievable that boiled water came into being shortly after the method needed to heat it (i.e. fire)? And from there, how difficult would it be to, intentionally or accidently, drop an egg in said boiling water and end up with a boiled egg? Conclusive evidence that the egg was the first to be eaten.

But this leaves a dilemma. Both are equally plausible options.

The question remains: Which came first, the roasted chicken or the boiled egg?

The answer is Chuck Norris.

Chicken or Egg

British scientists, after millions of dollars and years of research, have discovered that the chicken comes before the egg.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2010/07/14/2010-07-14_which_came_first_the_chicken_or_the_egg_the_chicken_researchers_say.html

A huge waste of money and time if you ask me. I proved the same fact using no money and about 6 seconds. The Meriam-Webster dictionary shows that the chicken came, in fact, a couple of hundred pages before the egg. QED

The Future of Art

As some of you may know, I'm perhaps the greatest connoisseur of art since Medusa first petrified Ancient Greeks for her personal museum of Stoned People. And it is with great dismay that I note the stagnation of art. Ever since the great innovations of Paul (better known to the uncultured as Jackson Pollack), there has been no progress; instead, dare I say it, we exist now in an era of artistic regression!

Why is this? Why are some of our most talented creative geniuses forming these so-called "Starving Artists" guilds? What happened to the proud artists who devoted themselves to voluntary starvation for the sake of creative stimulation, and in true artistic irony called themselves "Satiated Artists"? Well, that last question is not really rhetorical, because I have an answer to it. In the past, after an artist starved himself and achieved creative enlightenment, his works then sold for millions and he no longer needed to starve himself. Upon his millions, then, he was able to grow Satiated.


So to recap: what has changed? Well, clearly, artists are not evolving from Starving to Satiated at the usual Level 16. And that brings us back to the original problem--the stagnation of art. After painfully studying this subject for the past five minutes, I've decided that someone (me) needs to re-stimulate the field. Give it the kick that it needs to once again become a Renaissance-inducing, Church-toppling, Science-blaspheming, Spaghetti-monster-worshipping, pirate-imitating juggernaut that it once was.


So, here goes. I call these: Waltz in Paint. (Since it is a three part series.)


This is Waltz in Paint, First Movement (allegro). The excitement of a first dance is clearly conveyed by the diverse blend of colors. The variety represents the wonder, joy, and astonishment that comes with a first experience, the thirst to enjoy every aspect. At the same time, there is clearly an overall gracefulness underlying the superficial chaos. Sporadic fluctuations intersperse with the overall presentation of the flow; the apparent clumsiness belies the inner beauty of the dance.


In the beginning
Awkward twitches hidden in
The beauty of dance




This is Waltz in Paint, Second Movement (accelerando)

The second movement is on an entirely different level from the first. Whereas the first is shadowed by jittery movements and nervous tension, the second is an exhilarating crescendo of movement. The blur of blue, the hazy hues, the muddy maroon, the lascivious lavender, surging from soft swirls and crashing into a bold symphonic explosion. The established conventions are innovated and improved, varying from traditional progressions to avant-garde interpretations, rising to the apex of the crest.

And then it was said:
Let there be stuff happening!
And then stuff happened.


Waltz in Paint, Third Movement (andante)





















This last piece is a true piece de resistance. It is at once stimulating yet mellow, colorful yet faded, joyful yet melancholy. In it, you can clearly see an incredible range of expression. It is highly specific, and yet, each viewer can find a uniquely personal interpretation. It is a crucible of emotions, but somehow emotionless. Only a work of this magnitude can serve as both the climax and denouement of this three-piece waltz.

To purchase this art,
The bidding will open at
One box of Pocky.

Sippin' that hatorade

Evolution of my artistic abilities

They're not gonna get us

My name is Allen. I can't tell you my last name; this might not even be my real name. I can't tell you anything for sure, or else they'll find me. Because you know what? They're back. You just don't know it yet.

http://animorphsforum.com/ebooks/1/

What a Wonderful World

There are some outstanding things in this world. Some are outstandingly cool, like the mountains. Some are outstandingly scary, like vampires. Some are outstandingly useless, like everything on this site.

But the most interesting things are that are so fantastic and unbelievable and weird that you can't imagine them existing. For me, these are usually crazy animals that shouldn't exist, but they do, so I'm just glad they don't exist where I live. When I look for a future job, I will make sure to do background research on the location to insure that there aren't any, say, revivified velociraptors lurking in the area.

But VRs are extinct! These aren't.

First, I present to you something know as Atractosteus spatula, which looks something like this:

Now, you may say, "But Allen!! That there's straight up an alligator!" Not so! This, my friends, is a FISH. And it's one big, bad fish. Here's a full body view, and let me say, it does not look that much nicer:

Weighing in at over 200 pounds and over 8 feet in length, this FRESHWATER FISH is not something you want to tussle with. Apparently, they only live in the south, from Texas to Florida, which is just as well because I wasn't planning on job-searching those places anyway. Just imagine--you're wading in your nice freshwater stream, skipping rocks, with a picnic ready for later, and suddenly this guy charges out of nowhere to make YOU the picnic.

But the weirdness is not just confined to freshwater--here, we have our saltwater friend, the kelp:

Just kidding, i'm not talking about the kelp. I've helpfully labeled the above figures in a scientific manner. Please note that the thing, a leafy seadragon, looks exactly like a plant. Exactly like a plant. It eats shrimp, plankton, and SMALL FISH. Let's keep in mind it's only about 8 inches long. And has no teeth. How does it eat small fish? I'm imagining something like a vacuum system, like this:

Looks pretty biologically plausible. I even used an anatomical word!

Now if you think the kelp sea dragon leaf is weird, this next one is downright uncanny. As in, who would've thought that these were real? Well, for those of you who are "in the know" will recognize this adorable critter, either from a TV show or an Internet meme. Regardless, this little kip has muddled its way into our collective hearts, and PokeBalls.

Now, you may be surprised to hear this, but this guy is not merely a cartoon character or a virtual figment of the Internet--it is, in fact, REAL! It just so happens that the illustrators for the cartoon messed up the coloring. With a little bit of restoration:

OMG. WTFBBQ. Did anyone else see that???????? Madness? No. THIS. IS.

.

.

.

AXOLOTL!!!!!!!!

Now, as you know or suspect, this last one is a doozy. This last one needs no explanation. It is, in fact, the most messed up of all, associating one of the cutest animals with something COMPLETELY not. This, ladies and gentlemen, is something SO MESSED UP that I won't even mention it here. Seriously. It takes some seriously messed up people to come up with this.

Click if you dare.

The group that created this calls themselves People Eating Tasty Animals.

*DRAMATIC MUSIC*

*CURTAIN FALLS*

There, and Back Again

The road to ITASA was fraught with perils. But the intrepid crew from Yale, undeterred by difficulties, ventured forth into the great unknown to bring enlightenment to the dim northlands (Boston.)

Okay, so not really. But I can be forgiven for thinking that the trip was cursed to failure after the first day.

Being the studious students that we were, we of course could not depart from our institution of higher education until our scholarly obligations were fulfilled. This meant Friday afternoon--but for the sake of academic advancement, it was a small price to pay.

We left Yale in high spirits--the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the air tasted like rainbows. Our group was too big to all fit into one sedan, so we split up into two teams.

Team Win

Kevin Shen - Driver

Bernie Kuan

Austin Lan

Ngan Ton

Team More Win

Alan Jiang - Driver

Jin Chen

Vivian Chan

Allen Zhang (myself)

According to Google Maps, the drive would take a very long time. And we could only sing 99 bottles of juice on the wall for so long (99 bottles of juice worth). It was then that we decided that a competition between the two Teams would be necessary, to establish, trivially, which car was the more worthy. the competition of choice was a race.

A race to find signs beginning with each letter of the alphabet, in alphabetical order. The signs could be on anything outside the car, but license plates don't count. Team Win found the last letter first, but it was Team More Win that would end up, well, with more win.

Pulling into Boston seemed uneventful. Too uneventful. We look out the window, and discover that the reason for all the uneventfulness was a gigantic traffic jam on the exit ramp into Cambridge. Go figure. Team Win took a different exit and made it into Boston without mishap. At this point, it seemed that Team More Win may have been a huge misnomer.

But it proved to not be the case. Team Win, in their eagerness to enter Boston, wound up completely lost around Boston University and spent something like 1 hour driving around trying to find MIT. Team More Win patiently waited out the traffic jam, and arrive right on time (1 hour late) at MIT's Dorm Row, where we meet our host, Cyril.

When Team Win arrived at Dorm Row 30 minutes later, we thought that our troubles were over. We'd get a quick dinner and settle in to ITASA activities. Alas, it was not to be. It took until 9:30pm before we could find a restaurant and parking space. That is nearly 2 hours of searching in Cambridge. We wound up going to a Japanese place, where we ate delicious sushi/teriyaki/soba/etc while watching the Olympics. With our bellies full, we now thought our troubles would be over. After all, we only had to return to MIT and find our hosts.

Little did we know, it would be another 2 hours before we could retire. MIT, apparently, dislikes giving out free parking. The official ITASA parking, we were told, was about a mile away from the dorms. Being lazy, we didn't want to park that far, so we decided to try and find closer parking. Wandering around campus on foot and vehicle while trying to coordinate with the hosts was an arduous task. We wound up using the official ITASA parking anyway, lamenting the wasted 2 hours. After some solid ITASA bonding time, we decided to to hit the sack for an early start.

On our way to workshops, we were impressed by the MIT architecture.

Such as the infamous tetris building. If you could see Jin's face, you would see that it is full of awe. And wonderment.

The workshops were very interesting. The best one, though, was a tea-tasting workshop. Thomas Shu brought his vast knowledge of tea, as well as a large variety of tea to ITASA, sharing with us both tea and tea culture. He even brought what he said was the most expensive tea in the world--6 kilos for $90,000!! We each had a sip or two, and expressed our amazement. I had to fake it, though, because (and I confess to being uncultured) I could not really taste the difference in the $90,000 specialtea.

Being Asians in a roughly foreign land, we of course had to take pictures. This building provided ample inspiration

But only after lunch.

And now, the drama of the weekend:

We got trapped in a picture frame:

More shenanigans:

Kevin refines his ballroom dance skills.

While he was thus occupied, the others decide to empirically test whether looking directly into the sun would blind a person, using four conditions: No glasses, tinted glasses, regular glasses, and dyed hair:

What actually happened was that a vortex sucked them into the building. And they got stuck inside:

After rescuing our members, we tried to taking the requisite jumping picture. This one below was our best attempt:

The reason why we failed at the taking the jumping picture was that we all jumped so high, that we missed the camera and landed in a tree. What?

Bernie sums up the whole trip in one word:

"You should all come next year!"

A second attempt

In order to improve my poem from last time,

I went and found what makes a poem fine,

I learned, above all, that good poems rhyme,

So I will endeavor to do so every line,

And up the poetry ladder I'll climb,

Each attempt will be more sublime,

For example, this poem of mine,

Is better than the last one, right?

Right?

Be my valentine?

Roses are red or other colors,
Violets are violet,
This poem doesn't really rhyme,
And it doesn't really have meter either so it kinda sucks

A Renaissance Man

I came to Yale thinking that I would become more cultured, more educated, more rounded--a true Renaissance man. Thus far, I have not been disappointed by my not unextraordinary progress. My progress has been so great, in fact, that I can now decipher masterpieces of art! Yes, that's right--without taking any art history classes, simply being at Yale has caused the osmosis of art comprehension into my system. However, I understand that not everyone has encountered similar good fortune; I will use my acquired superior comprehension-du-artisticallness to explain some of the most notable pieces of art.

This piece is called Starry Night, by a guy named Vincent Willem Van Gogh, which is Dutch for Vincent-Will-Go-in-Van, and is the definitive piece of evidence that Scientology was NOT invented by L. Ron Hubbard, nor was the Church established in 1952. I have simplified the complexities of the original, and once the obfuscating layers are removed, you can clearly see the devious hidden message. The "stars" are actually symbolic of humans' extraterrestrial origin, perhaps the meteorites on which our ancestors descended. The Temple of Justice stands prominently against the night sky, as if reaching futilely for the immortal existence that we have lost. The assortment of houses in the bottom right represents the woefully ignorant masses, who are unable to appreciate their own glorious history. Van Gogh laments this, yet his painting carries within it an optimistic hope for the revival of the One Religion to Rule Them All (tm).

---

This painting is called the Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci. Back in the day, a Vinci was like a title bestowed upon ballers--his name means, essentially, Leonardo the Wicked-awesome-dude. People know him as an inventor, an artist, a genius--but what they don't know is that he was also a historian. He was the chief chronicler of the Saiyan Saga, when the Saiyan race, on the orders of Frieza, tried to take over Earth. In this difficult time, the human race turned to a little boy named Goku, who had proven himself in a tournament called the Tenkaichi Budokai, which means Tournament of Buttkicking. This boy had super powers, could fly, and occasionally glowed with a golden aura. People thought that he had a halo, and was sent by God, a Martian from Namek. After saving the world, Goku had to depart to the Planet of the Gods, in order to save everyone who got killed by the invading Saiyans, and because of his efforts, a miraculous second coming was granted to everyone who died. However, because Goku decided to live a quiet life, others decided to use his deeds for their own purposes. Leonardo, our resident Vinci, decided to stand up to the falsification of history through passive and hidden means--hence, he painted the Last Supper, which actually depicts Goku bidding goodbye to his comrades-in-arms, including Master Roshi (far right.)

Well, I hope you enjoyed this brief lesson. If you would like more paintings explained, please let me know and I will try my best to simplify these things for you. Soon, you too can be a Renaissance Man!!

Doesn't make sense

I'm sitting in Commons Dining Hall, and suddenly a mysterious tune popped into my head. It was an incessant melody, like an iPod stuck on replay, but I couldn't figure out what it was. A little frustrated by this tip-of-the-tongue tune, I brought my [not insignificant] powers of analysis to bear on this tease of a melody. I play it in my head. I hum it out loud. I annoy my tablemates.

And then I got it. The epiphany was as glorious as a unicorn sailing over a rainbow.

The song was from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, specifically that of the Green Ranger's dragon flute. He played the tune to call forth the mighty Green Dragonzord, which was the most powerful zord in history, and could kick the shit out of everything.

The Dragonzord's prowess, however, introduces some serious conundrums to the Power Rangers Megaverse, including, but not limited to: "how did the Power Rangers ever defeat the Green Ranger when he was evil?", "how was the Green Ranger NOT the leader of the Power Rangers?", and "how come the show even existed when it was obvious that the Dragonzord could easily devastate any enemy that came along?"

These are indeed difficult questions, but they are answerable: the Green Ranger was under mind control, so the Power Rangers never had to defeat HIM, just to overcome the mind control; the Green Ranger was as kind and generous as he was powerful, and so wanted the Red Ranger to feel better; and the show was all about defeating every enemy so it was fine to have an overpowered Zord.

Well, the answer to the third question leads to the most puzzling paradox of all--how, in the name of Zordon, did the fusion of the Megazord and Dragonzord end up WEAKER than the Dragonzord by itself?????

Seriously, though, they only combine when the Megazord is kidding its butt kicked, and then after they combine, they STILL get their butt kicked. I would expect a combined Mega Dragonzord to be something a LOT more badass. Something like this.

Zordon texted me the other day. It said, "u haz teh powerz. here's the dragon flute for your entertainment. protect us from mega shark!"

Just...wow.

Rudy Giuliani's moment of genius. Check link below for a good laugh (or cry).

As we all know, President Bush struck fear into the hearts of terrorists; his iron stance against their terroristic ways and his adamant intolerance of their activities completely and solely were the causes of the absolute absence of domestic attacks under his glorious reign. Clearly, President Obama, being soft on terrorism like the bleeding-heart liberal that he is, does not instill the same fear into these criminal elements. As such, hardly a year into his regime, there has already been one domestic attack!

The shoebomber, the anthrax scare, the DC sniper, and--oh, yes, 9/11--were random accidents. In fact, one might even say they were natural disasters. Rudy Giuliani would know--his entire campaign was based on "I was there when 9/11 happened."

http://tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/01/rudy-we-had-no-domestic-attacks-under-bush-we-had-one-under-obama.php