Cluny the Misunderstood

One day, I was sitting in my room, thinking about my past conquests--literary of course. And it made me think of my greatest failure, that being my inability to finish the Redwall series. Nay, not just my inability, but the sheer impossibility of the task. Brian Jacques just never gives up! Isn't he like 120 years old now or something? That guy needs to stop. And yet, I eagerly await the next installment. And as I wait, I ponder on his past works, and one thing struck me--the Redwall stories are often, if not always, written in the style of a history, with the Recorder telling a story. Well, as we know, history is written by the winners and, it seems, Redwallers never lose. What about the other side of the story? What would the rats and foxes and ferrets and stoats and weasels (and even a wolverine!) say? And it was then that I had a vision. Yes, a vision. A ghost of the past rose from the first Redwall book I ever read (appropriately titled Redwall)--the ghost of Cluny the Scourge. And this is his story:

My name is Cluny. Not Cluny the Scourge, as those sadly misinformed mice keep saying. Just Cluny. In fact, I was known in my homeland as Cluny the Lurve. Yes, before I crossed the ocean and to make my pilgrimage to Redwall, I traveled the land on foot to spread the gospel of Lurve! At one point, I had even participated in the Lurve Crusades, where we fought against the darkness that threatened to take over my homeland. I gathered a band of humble creatures, outcast by most, living only by simple means, clothed only in rags, feasting only on scraps of bread and water. In my travels, I heard about a wondrous land of plenty for those who are full of peace and lurve, and I gathered my disciples on a quest for this holy grail. That land was called Mossflower; that grail was called Redwall.

My followers and I, numbering in the hundreds, nay thousands, attempted to cross the deep, dark sea to reach this promised land. The journey was long and arduous, filled with danger and misfortune. Fully half our ships were lost to the towering waves and leviathans of the deep. But we persevered. Finally, battered and near death, we landed on the Mossflower shore. Emerging from our ships, we found ourselves amidst a ship graveyard. We were surrounded by ships wrecked against this land. With the sea at our backs and no ships left, we had no choice but to clothe ourselves in the strange metal casings we salvaged from the wreckages and journey into the dark forest ahead.

We also found strange shiny tools within the wreckages, which we used to dig up roots and cut them up for stew. We lived thus for nearly a week, before stumbling upon a large, 4-legged animal pulling a cart of hay. Being pawsore, we asked if we could hitch a ride. The animal, called a horse, kindly agreed and asked for our destination. We explained our pilgrimage, and the horse, bless his heart, promised to take us there with all due speed. He ran tirelessly for a full day and night, for our sake. Feeling sorry and deeply indebted to him, and lacking the lungpower to shout for him to take a break, I asked one of my disciples to jump onto his back and whisper our thanks. My disciple, being clumsy, landed teeth first, which provoked our poor friend. Unfortunately, he tumbled off the horse's back quickly and was lost to us, may he rest in peace.

Finally arriving near Redwall, I send a messenger to ask for refuge. "Tell them Cluny the Lurve is here to pay his respects," I instruct my disciple. "Beg permission to meet the Father Abbot!" My disciple returns at a dead run, terrified. "Cluny! I believe we may have found the wrong Redwall. The creatures there rudely denied our pleas, and one large badger called us scum and vermin."

I thought deeply. This was definitely the right forest. Could the rumors of a bountiful and loving Abbey be wrong? As I deliberated, my disciples walk in with a family of voles. Aha! I will ask them for the truth about the Abbey. "Mr. Vole," I address the father. "Can you tell me about yonder Abbey?" His response was full of vitriol. "I will never tell you anything, vile scourge!" Taken aback at this rudeness, I ask them to be confined until I could figure this out.

I thought and thought and came to this conclusion: There was an dark evil that infiltrated the Abbey, poisoning the thoughts of its creatures. But what could have such power? And suddenly, I realized--Martin, the Warrior Mouse. The Warrior infiltrated the Abbey, and through the power of the Joseph Bell put all the creatures under a hypnotic suggestion, thereby corrupting and endangering their eternal souls. And right then, I knew what I must do.

I called together my followers. "Brothers!" I shout. "A sad day has befallen this beauteous world. The bastion of all that is good has fallen under an evil spell. The corrupt spirit of this cruel mercenary Martin has enthralled the Abbey and corrupted its purpose. We must purge this Abbey of this evil; we must Bust That Ghost! Though it pains me greatly, we must wage war on these poor creatures, and save them from a terrible doom. Brothers! Let us unite against evil, and cleanse Redwall!"

And it was then that I sadly had to don, for only the second time in my life, my other title. The title that I had forsaken after the Lurve Crusades. I had to take up arms, once again, as Cluny the Scourge of Evil.

And that folks, is what really happened.