Children of Mine

So I was talking with a FroCo (freshman counselor) the other day, and she mentioned weddings. Said that it was something that girls talk about or whatever (what girls talk/think about will be subject of a future entry, if I feel like it.) And that got my thinking: I should probably plan out my kids' futures now, so when they finally come, I'll know exactly what to do to make them into the perfect, successful, resourceful, and perfect people. I now reveal my plan for my firstborn. Assume that it's a son.

The schedule starts from Day 14. I feel like he deserves a break from the effort of coming into the world. It would also be totally unfair and unreasonable to expect a newborn to be able to accomplish the tasks I set forth, so I leave a fortnight for him to enjoy just being alive. After that, no more lazing around, sleeping twenty hours a day. Starting on Day 14, by Day 21, he will sleep no more than ten hours a day, thus saving many, many days' worth of time for constructive learning.

I will start him on music. He will have headphones ALL day; his first language will be the language of pitch and tone. With such early exposure, I suspect he will quickly develop into a musical genius. Piano lessons start at age 3; violin at age 5; guitar at age 7; and a new instrument every two years. I will make one concession: he can choose every instrument he wants after guitar.

Starting at six months, he will start his study of languages, with a new language being introduced every six months until he is 7 years old. He will be learning, by his 7th birthday, 12 languages. Obviously he needs to learn English and Chinese. Next two will be French and Spanish, after which he can choose which languages too learn. After all, I am not domineering; I do wish him some freedom.

I don't wish to strain his voice as it develops, so he will not need to take singing lessons until age 8. Lessons will discontinue during puberty (to avoid embarassing voice cracks during performances and recitals) and will continue as soon as appropriate (hopefully age 14-15.) However, he will learn to dance starting at age 2, beginning with classical (like waltz) and moving on to more contemporary forms. He will start playing sports at age 5, starting with swimming--an excellent cardiovascular activity. Every subsequent year, he will take up a new sport, starting with wushu (for the overall conditioning and the training to get mad hops and acrobatics.) He can then choose sports as he sees fit.

Academically, he will be tutored in math and reading starting at age 3. Of course, he will go to public school so he can also have a social life. With all of his abilities, he will surely have a great many friends. Starting from pre-school, I will encourage--but not force, since I am reasonable--him to organize school-wide events, such as trick-or-treating for UNICEF. He will run for the student government (that has no power) in second grade. He will be a captain of the patrols as soon as possible.

From here on, his life will be well structured. He will have already acquired many valuable skills that he needs from his early start. He will be able to compete in anything he chooses and have the ability to do well in all of them. In grade 6, after maybe skipping a grade or two, I will introduce him to StarCraft and WarCraft as well, so he can become professional by high school and play professionally in his free time. By now, he should be trained well enough to run on seven hours of sleep per night at optimal efficiency.

In middle school, he can relax--I will ask nothing except to maintain his current schedule.

In high school, the real grind would start. He will take part in two varsity sports per season, and be on board for at least three clubs. I expect him to captain his varsity teams, but if he can't, I'm willing to compromise.

4.0 is a requirement, of course.

I expect him to find somewhere to work over the summer, anywhere he chooses. I am willing to fund expeditions to Antarctica to study whatever it is he wishes to study. Or to send him into space to work on the Space Station.

He will get into all the top colleges in the world. I will allow him to apply to the top 20. I will keep the admissions letters to boost my ego. He will go to Yale.

After setting him up perfectly, he will be ready for the rest of his life.

People in the future will look back upon his accomplishments--including, but not limited to, curing cancer, solving global warming, creating a new sun, discovering life on other planets, and foiling a Bugger invasion of Earth--and know him as Optimus Prime Zhang.

While he becomes the most important person the planet--nay, the galaxy--I will relish in my achievements and cuddle with his 20 acceptance letters.

My wife, I hope, will support my plan. In which case all the "I's" above can be changed to "We's"

Let's see your child compete with that.

Letter From Bingham Hall

Dear Sir Walstein, Esq,

I’ve received the troubling news that you think that everyone here at Yale who is a boy likes other boys. Let me dispel this myth for you.

Our fate as the most accepting, open-minded, and un-prejudiced Ivy is for sly rumors to be leaked about us by our rivals (*coughHARVARDcough*). They realize that they cannot hope to match our friendliness and welcoming attitude, so they hope to put a negative spin to it—that is, by proclaiming that girls cannot find boyfriends at Yale, they hope to discourage female applicants. And as we all know, once the girls stop going to a school, the boys lose interest as well. Case in point: Caltech vs. MIT.

Yes, you think this is a dirty, underhanded trick, and in truth, it is. But we, being the better college with the better people of higher moral caliber, choose not to retaliate by insinuating that Harvard is in fact full of pretentious exclusionary snobs who are second to all. I jest of course. I hold their supercilious attitudes in the highest regard. Oh, and Mandelbrot is at Yale. But I digress.

Now, to address the issue. The rumor, I believe, is that one in three Yale males are attracted to their own gender. I can immediately refute this by saying my floor consists of eleven gentlemen, and only one out of the eleven is homosexual. The sample population size doesn’t matter. And it is random enough to suit my purposes. In case the esteemed Mr. Stein is reading this, I did repeat the trial on my floor three times, and each time my floormates assured me they were heterosexual (with the exception of the one who is not.)

There is another popular phrase referring to Yale, no doubt spread by parties with nefarious intent, that every guy worth dating is “either taken or gay.” First of all, this I believe is a generic adage not meant to be applied specifically to Yale. But in Yale’s defense, I refer you and all who happen to be reading this letter to a wonderful movie by a man named Philip Wong: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI I urge you to consider this video before making any inferences about Yale based solely on unfounded rumor. Note: I am unsure whether this link is cASe sEnSitiVe.

In conclusion, we are very accepting of all demographics at Yale, be it defined by sexual orientation, gender, race, athleticism, beauty, or intelligence.

Please address all complaints and retribution to one Boris Vassi something. I write on his bequest.

Best wishes always,
Allen Zhang

PS: Math in college is proof heavy. Maybe you could force encourage your current students to do more as practice?