So I was sitting in StraTechWar today (that's Strategy, Technology, and War), listening to this dude (I think he was an admiral or something) talking about the Nuclear Propulsion Program--basically putting nuclear engines and such into warships. This is pretty cool, especially since the first nuclear powered submarine was named USS Nautilus, which is the same name as Captain Nemo's famous ship. Yeah, it sounds like a dumb reason to like it, but I'm a fan of Nemo. The fish.
Anyway, I was sitting and thinking--why do we need such destructive weapons anyway? There's got to be better ways of fighting wars, that aren't as bloody or violent. I came up with several ways that I think should be considered in all future combat. The future of battle lies not with super lasers that can curve all the way around the world and hit yourself in the back (although that would be awesome for about 0.13 seconds before the laser travels around and hits you in the back.) No--the future lies in these:
1) Laughing Gas.
I was thinking about Harry Potter, and it hit me--there were so many ways to take down Death Eaters without using lethal curses, such as Rictumsempra (the tickling spell, which Harry used to pwn Draco in Book Two.) Why can't we just douse the other side with laughing gas, and have them laugh themselves into incapacitation? This way, even if the wind blew the gas back toward our own side, we wouldn't hurt ourselves. True, gas warfare is prohibited by the Geneva Convention but come on--laughing gas is nothing like mustard gas. It won't even kill anyone! Unless they laugh themselves to death, which is unlikely.
Convinced of the feasibility of such a method, I immediately conducted some research (e.g. Wikipedia) and learned, to my intense dismay, that laughing gas DID NOT MAKE YOU LAUGH. WTF?????????? It's just the colloquial name of nitrous oxide, which is an anesthetic that gives you a happy feeling ("euphoric.") I felt so cheated. But upon further reading, I realized that
it could still work. If you make the other side
so happy that they don't want to fight, then you basically win anyway! In true wannabe Mythbuster style, I am now declaring this solution
PLAUSIBLE.
2) Tranquilizing Rain
I got this from Naruto (DON'T LAUGH.) There was this one chapter where this dude throws up an umbrella thereby causing a deadly rain of needles to pepper his enemy. Well, instead of raining needles, what if we use a cannon to shoot up lots of tranquilizing darts into the sky, and have them rain down on the opponenet? Falling darts are really hard to dodge. And since people wear helmets (usually) the darts would probably hit something like a shoulder. Gravity and impact might cause some broken bones, but that's better than death right?
But, upon further consideration, the darts would have to be shot pretty damn high, and who knows what kind of havoic they could cause. So instead of darts, I propose a
tranquilzing rain. Launch giant bags of tranquilizer fluid into the air, then shoot them with a sniper or something, and have it rain tranquilfication (is this a word?) Much better than exploding shrapnel or fireballs of doom.
3) Foam Wars
This is pretty self-explanatory. Have airplanes drop foam bombs. They explode into awesome foaminess, encompassing the opponenet and disabling their movement and willingness to fight. Better yet, make the foam smell nice--it's proven that nice smells promote feelings of contentment. Even if this is taken to extremes, the foam still wouldn't really hurt anyone. What a great idea!
4) Ball Pit of Doom. And By Doom I Mean Awesomeness.
This is a bit trickier. It takes some more time. The opponents have to be surrounded for this to work. Perfect for fighting against guerilla forces where you know they are there, but you don't know where they are. First! You erect giant walls around an area. Or a giant fence. Same thing. Then you air drop lots and lots of ball pit balls into the area, filling it up! You only need fences about 5 feet high or so. The balls should be dropped in bags that explode (BUT WITH NO FIRE OR SHOCKWAVES) upon impact with the ground. This would quickly fill up the area with balls. This might even be seen as a gesture of peace, since you are providing them with fun stuff to play with.
5) The Bubble Gun
Sound familiar? It should. The signature attack of our favorite little turtle--no, not Squirt or Crush, but rather SQUIRTLE!!! This isn't as crazy as it sounds. Okay, maybe it is, but it's awesome. Create a gun that shoots out bubbles filled with laughing gas and shoot bubbles at the enemy! This will be perfect--it will simulate my concept of laughing gas. They will be so busy laughing at the bubbles that when the bubbles pop, they'll be put to sleep (literally, not euphemistically [is that a word?]) There can be a giant fan set up to help blow the bubbles. Even if bubbles are shot down, the gas will still be there and be blown to where it needs to go.
Wouldn't this type of warfare be awesome??!!?? I, for one, would totally be willing to be bombed by foam and encased in a ball pit.
I will leave you with this thought--the best method of warfare, but one that I fear will never be given serious consideration. Launch towards your opponent lots of heart shaped boxes of chocolate.
What kind of heartless individual would shoot at someone who sent mass amounts of heart shapped boxes of chocolate? Exactly--nobody would.
As the adage goes, make love not war.
