WWADIHWG

I really want to learn more languages. Honestly, I do. I think it would be incredibly cool to know like 10 languages and be able to just bust out awesome phrases at will, such as 당신은 천사 처럼 이쁘다. Guys, I'm kidding. Ladies, I'm not. If you're a non-Korean speaker like me--make a Korean friend by copy and pasting this and asking them what it means.

But, the point is, it's so gosh-darned difficult to learn languages! Like, seriously. Since language is so integral to our lives as humans (especially now that we are globalized humans), why can't we catch a break? Shouldn't we get cut some slack on this? The answer to these rhetorical questions, by the way, is a resounding NO. Just put in some effort, you lazy bastards.

Just kidding. The answer, in fact, should be YES.

The world, as it is right now, is flawed. My vision is as follows:

Everyone should have language coded for genetically. What does this mean? This means that whatever percent of your DNA belongs to a culture/race/ethnicity/group/whatever that speaks a certain language, then you should naturally/genetically be fluent for that percentage in that particular language! For example, if I am 100% Chinese, then I should naturally know, when I am born, perfect Chinese, from grammar to vocabulary to slang. If someone else were, say, 4/7 Chinese and 3/7 Mexican, then he should be automatically 4/7 fluent in Chinese and 3/7 fluent in Portuguese (just kidding, I know they actually speak Mexicanese.)

Of course, this doesn't meant that the natural percentage is their cap! Of course not--that would suck more than our current situation. This initial fluency is merely the starting point! Once the basics are programmed, it would be but a trifle to brush up and finish learning.

And the process is fair, too! Those who are less genetically diverse would start out with greater fluency in their particular genetic languages, but those who are more genetically diverse would start out with a greater variety of fluency. It's a win/win. If you want your kids to learn more languages, just go out and mix cultures. It's even good for the world!

Basically, in conclusion, evolution has failed us--we didn't evolve this ability. God has failed us--he didn't instill within us this ability. I propose the fairest and most productive solution--an election for the position of God. And, as the (I nominate myself) only candidate thus far in the race, I promise that, if elected, I will immediately enact Divine Order #1, which states that all organisms will automatically and naturally be fluent in the exact portion as that particular language's influence (culturally, ethnically, racially, and so forth) in his or her genome.

If you want the world to be a better place, just think--What Would Allen Do If He Were God?

Yes, I can.